Countdown to leaving

Whew. So here I am, sitting in the suburbs, in a house that is large and comfortable and full of every amenity I could want: hot water, a fridge stocked with food, internet access, 3 TVs, a telephone in nearly every room, lights, clothes, blankets, rooms to spare, newspapers delivered to my door, the trash and recycling collected about 20 feet away from the side door, cars that talk to me, cell phones, heat, aircon, books, radio, CDs, all of it. It's all here, and it's all comfortable. And I'm about to bid it all adieu.

What is it about us that makes us want to up and leave the familiar? That makes us decide to jump into experiences that will scare us, make us uncomfortable, make us experience loneliness?

It seems to me that it's the possibility of growth. That, and the feeling that we are actually living, breathing things, walking around this earth with open eyes. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

I've been abroad many times before in my life: Spain for 9 months at the age of 16, Kenya and Tanzania for a spell during college, Mauritius in the summer of 2004, Eastern Europe this past fall... but the same emotions still flutter up into my stomach and mind before departing for any adventure. The fears, while they change each time, are still there regardless. This time they are mostly fears about the future, fears about leaving wonderful friends and family-- about all the amazing relationships that are a phone call, car ride, or simple walk away.

I also have silly fears. I fear that by meandering to some nether region and working on a remote cause will somehow detract from my route to "success," whatever that undefinable word seems to mean. I start to get scared that if I'm doing this now, then when will I go to grad school? When will I make money? When will I apply for that fulbright I always wanted? when will I take all those prereq grad school tests?

Regardless of these fears, I somehow seem to pull myself together, do a decent job of packing up my belongings and taking care of my goodbyes, and go out on that limb.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I know that I could stay where I am and take comfort in all that I know. But somehow I won't do that. And that makes me feel alive.

Countdown: T minus 9 days.